You're Dead, Jim, You April Fool.

Someone once said "Jim Bailey was a thrill seeker." Someone also once said "Driving a car without good breaks is like skydiving without a parachute." Unfortunately, Jim Bailey never heard that phrase before. In fact, he didn't think he was about to go skydiving at all when he decided to try out his stunt.

Suspended from an airplane by a flimsy harness, Jim Bailey went from stunt man to stunted man once the damn thing broke. He managed to put up a little fight, hanging from the axle by his hands, but it wasn't enough. There are a few things that made this situation worse. First of all, he had no parachute. Secondly, it's all on video. I wouldn't post the video here if it was full of gore and nasty, but it isn't. Thidly, this was on April 1st, 1981. Tempting the fates of the fools much?

So take it all in and remember, don't do stupid shit. It will kill you.

Jim Bailey (? - 1981)

Hangkok In Bangkok

"Natural causes" my ass. Actually, I guess any time you die because you can't breathe, or your heart stops, it could be considered natural. If you kept living, that would be some unnatural, demonic, android shit. Unfortunately for David Carradine, when you have a public image, what you do with your privates, in private, will eventually become public. That is even more true if it winds up killing you.

Apparently, Carradine was found in a closet, with a rope around his neck and his genitals. Now, auto-erotic asphyxiation has killed people before, including some famous ones, but none of them were naked inside of a closet at a hotel. There is also a report that his hands were tied behind his back. Does this mean that someone else was in there with him? If so, didn't they realize that a safe word is pointless when you're choking and can't talk?

Either way, unless he was murdered, which I doubt, this is one hell of a stupid way for a healthy 72-year-old to leave this world. Whether Bill killed Bill, or it was some hooker turning some Beatrix on his Kiddo, with a rope tied around his Hanzo and his sword, it just ain't right.

David Carradine (1936 - 2009)

Source: http://www.nationmultimedia.com/2009/06/04/headlines/headlines_30104421.php

Dear Dinosaurs,

You ruled the earth for 160 million years. You were an extremely diverse group. Many of your kind grew to tremendous sizes, dwarfing most animals alive today. You've been called the most successful animals to ever walk the face of the Earth. BULLSHIT. Ever heard of Bill Gates? That guy’s worth like $50 billion and is way more successful than you’ll ever be.

And, here’s the kicker: You’re all dead! Nothing but fossils and footprints remain to document your existence. And, please don’t give me that “birds are dinosaurs” crap. A parakeet is no dinosaur, sirs. Good try though.

By the way, what species lived on after your sorry-asses became extinct? Are your tiny brains preventing you from coming up with the correct answer? OK, I'll give it to you: mammals. That's right, those little furry things to which you barely paid any mind.

Feeling a little angry? Want to take a swing at us? Ha ha! Good look trying with those little T-Rex arms of yours.

And, now that you’re dead, we mammals are free to sully your image with awful movies and television shows like “Denver, the Last Dinosaur”, and that other one with the stupid-ass baby dinosaur that yelled “Not the mama!” over and over. Why do we do this? It’s simple -- because we can.

So go fuck yourselves, Dinosaurs. It was nice knowing you. Enjoy extinction.

Sincerely,

The Mammals

Dinosaurs (225 million to 65 million years ago)

Sex From Above, Death Below!

There seems to be a lot of people who forget all the basics of life during the throws of passion. I don't quite understand what makes people get down and dirty in dangerous ways, but Brent Tyler and Chelsea Tumbleston got naked on the roof of a 4 story building, and fell.

I'm quite sure they stated making some fuck, but I'm not sure that they finished before they hit the ground. Many people say that when they die they want it to be while having sex, but I'm sure that most people want to finish and then die. These guys were found alive, naked on the ground, and died on the way to the hospital. Not quite as exciting.

Seriously, keep the sex indoors, at least if you're elevated. Otherwise, go have fun, you horny idiots.

Brent Tyler and Chelsea Tumbleston (1986 - 2007)

Source: http://www.wistv.com/global/story.asp?s=6683978

How The Hell Can You Drown In 6 Inches Of Water?

But really... how? I imagine you have to be pretty bad at swimming, or do something incredibly stupid to get yourself into a situation where even 6 inches of water could drown your stupid ass. Well, back in 1906, John Cullen found out exactly what that special something was.

On his way home one midnight, for some reason John tried to climb over a barbed wire fence and got his feet tangled up so bad that he couldn't save himself. I'm guessing that there must have been a puddle right next to the fence or something, but come on! I hope he was drunk or something because that is just pathetic. Was barbed wire a new thing back then? At any rate, it just goes to show you that we should be worried about EVERYTHING, not just the swine flu. When something as outlandish as a puddle of water could be a death instrument, who knows what danger lurks at every corner.

John Cullen (? - 1906)

Source: http://query.nytimes.com/mem/archive-free/pdf?_r=1&res=9B0DEEDB1531E733A25755C2A9649C946797D6CF

Pole Shock

Why did the Polish guy piss on the electrified rail?

Are you waiting for the punchline? Well, it isn’t coming, because some moron actually did this, and now he’s dead. If you’re thinking: “Well, he’s Polish, so that makes sense”, then you definitely need culture sensitivity training. Stupidity crosses all ethnic lines, and no group has a monopoly on doing dumb shit, not even Polish people.

According to reports, the 41-year-old Polish man was visiting London to improve his English. While at Vauxhall station in south London, he was observed on closed-circuit TV cameras walking into a recessed area, from which he failed to reappear.

It is there that officials believe our luckless Pole answered the call of nature, urinating on a live rail surging with 750-volts. You already know how this story ends.

According to an unnamed source, “Perhaps because he was from Poland he had no idea the rail was electrified.” Really? Do you seriously think they don't know about electrified rails in Poland? You have to admire the unapologetic bigotry exhibited by this unnamed source. C'mon people, can't we move beyond these hurtful stereotypes already?

By the way, for any Polish readers still with us, the title of this post works on two levels. Yep. Think about it. I'll give you a minute.

Unnamed Polack (1967 - 2008)

Source: http://www.thisislondon.co.uk/standard/article-23518902-details/Urinating+man+electrocuted/article.do

Sudden Death!

As if the Nintendo Wii wasn’t already dangerous enough, what with flying Wiimotes, low-res graphics (Hello? Ever hear of eye strain?), and loads of shovelware threatening to devour your hard-earned cash, it seems a new threat has emerged in the form of the innocuous looking Wii Fit board.

The first casualty of this no doubt looming epidemic is Lewis Hickin, of Norfolk, England; only 25-years old, a drummer in a rock ‘n roll band, and a scout leader, Hickin was healthy, and could most likely tie a hitch knot.

Nevertheless, after ordering a kebab and sipping a glass of port wine, Hickin stepped onto the Wii Fit board for a little afternoon gaming sesh. While jogging in place, he suddenly collapsed to the floor. His girlfriend and friend phoned an ambulance and tried to revive him, but their efforts were for naught, as he would be pronounced dead upon arriving at the hospital.

The official cause of death still remains a mystery, although officials believe it to be a case of Sudden Adult Death Syndrome, aka SADS, aka we don’t have a fucking clue.

Here's the part where I usually end with a joke, but I'm a little freaked out by killer Wii Fit boards, and the prospect of being struck dead by SADS, so I think I'll stop typing now and lie motionless in the corner for a while.

Lewis Hickin (1984 – 2009)

Source: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/5074714/Fit-and-healthy-25-year-old-died-using-Nintendo-Wii-Fit-game.html