How The Hell Can You Drown In 6 Inches Of Water?

But really... how? I imagine you have to be pretty bad at swimming, or do something incredibly stupid to get yourself into a situation where even 6 inches of water could drown your stupid ass. Well, back in 1906, John Cullen found out exactly what that special something was.

On his way home one midnight, for some reason John tried to climb over a barbed wire fence and got his feet tangled up so bad that he couldn't save himself. I'm guessing that there must have been a puddle right next to the fence or something, but come on! I hope he was drunk or something because that is just pathetic. Was barbed wire a new thing back then? At any rate, it just goes to show you that we should be worried about EVERYTHING, not just the swine flu. When something as outlandish as a puddle of water could be a death instrument, who knows what danger lurks at every corner.

John Cullen (? - 1906)

Source: http://query.nytimes.com/mem/archive-free/pdf?_r=1&res=9B0DEEDB1531E733A25755C2A9649C946797D6CF

Pole Shock

Why did the Polish guy piss on the electrified rail?

Are you waiting for the punchline? Well, it isn’t coming, because some moron actually did this, and now he’s dead. If you’re thinking: “Well, he’s Polish, so that makes sense”, then you definitely need culture sensitivity training. Stupidity crosses all ethnic lines, and no group has a monopoly on doing dumb shit, not even Polish people.

According to reports, the 41-year-old Polish man was visiting London to improve his English. While at Vauxhall station in south London, he was observed on closed-circuit TV cameras walking into a recessed area, from which he failed to reappear.

It is there that officials believe our luckless Pole answered the call of nature, urinating on a live rail surging with 750-volts. You already know how this story ends.

According to an unnamed source, “Perhaps because he was from Poland he had no idea the rail was electrified.” Really? Do you seriously think they don't know about electrified rails in Poland? You have to admire the unapologetic bigotry exhibited by this unnamed source. C'mon people, can't we move beyond these hurtful stereotypes already?

By the way, for any Polish readers still with us, the title of this post works on two levels. Yep. Think about it. I'll give you a minute.

Unnamed Polack (1967 - 2008)

Source: http://www.thisislondon.co.uk/standard/article-23518902-details/Urinating+man+electrocuted/article.do

Sudden Death!

As if the Nintendo Wii wasn’t already dangerous enough, what with flying Wiimotes, low-res graphics (Hello? Ever hear of eye strain?), and loads of shovelware threatening to devour your hard-earned cash, it seems a new threat has emerged in the form of the innocuous looking Wii Fit board.

The first casualty of this no doubt looming epidemic is Lewis Hickin, of Norfolk, England; only 25-years old, a drummer in a rock ‘n roll band, and a scout leader, Hickin was healthy, and could most likely tie a hitch knot.

Nevertheless, after ordering a kebab and sipping a glass of port wine, Hickin stepped onto the Wii Fit board for a little afternoon gaming sesh. While jogging in place, he suddenly collapsed to the floor. His girlfriend and friend phoned an ambulance and tried to revive him, but their efforts were for naught, as he would be pronounced dead upon arriving at the hospital.

The official cause of death still remains a mystery, although officials believe it to be a case of Sudden Adult Death Syndrome, aka SADS, aka we don’t have a fucking clue.

Here's the part where I usually end with a joke, but I'm a little freaked out by killer Wii Fit boards, and the prospect of being struck dead by SADS, so I think I'll stop typing now and lie motionless in the corner for a while.

Lewis Hickin (1984 – 2009)

Source: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/5074714/Fit-and-healthy-25-year-old-died-using-Nintendo-Wii-Fit-game.html

No Mulligans!

"Wheeeee! Ouch! Ooof! Grunt! Mother!" No, those aren’t the sweet sounds of love-making. Rather, they are what I imagine to be the last sounds uttered by someone who has just gone careening off a 25-foot embankment and is now tumbling to their death.

That’s what happened to Edwin Payne, 65-years old, and recently retired. While out playing a round of golf, Mr. Payne, who had just taken a mulligan due to a wayward tee shot, returned to the tee to hit a second ball, and then hopped into his 2003 Club Car DS electric golf cart to go after it.

That’s when the cart starting bouncing around, jostling Mr. Payne, causing him to lose control, jump a curb, careen down the aforementioned embankment, and then sail off a 100-foot cliff. Payne was ejected from the vehicle and deposited on a bike lane alongside a highway. He would not survive the fall, unsurprisingly.

I bring you this story in the spirit of the Masters, which just recently ended, with the green jacket being awarded to Angel (pronounced An-hell if you want to sound smart in golf circles. What? You don’t belong to any golf circles? I pity you.) Cabrera. The point of mentioning this? Absolutely none. I just needed some filler.

In conclusion, I'd wager Mr. Payne probably wishes he could take a do-over on that last, wild ride of his, because there ain't nothing funny about tumbling to your death in a golf cart. Nothing at all. So stop your smirking.

Edwin Payne (1942- 2007)

Source: http://www.ocregister.com/ocregister/homepage/abox/article_1703247.php

Won't You Please Help The Dollar?

I consider myself extremely fortunate to have been born in the United States, a country where we live in relative opulence compared to most of the world, and where we are free to spend money on useless crap like Bumper Nuts, if it pleases us. But some, sadly, are not so lucky.

Take the case of the poor Zimbabwean dollar, born in 1980 in Zimbabwe – its life was tragically cut short in March 2009 after it had inflated to astronomical values. At one point, the government announced plans to issue a $100 trillion note, estimated to be worth around $30 US dollars. (ed’s note: I’ve never taken a college-level economics course, cannot balance my checkbook, and suck at figuring out the tip, but even I know that’s not good).

Back in March, the finance minister of Zimbabwe pronounced the dollar dead, telling members of parliament: “The death of the (Zimbabwean) dollar is a reality we have to live with...Since October 2008, our national currency has become moribund.” Have you ever heard a more touching elegy?

Sadly, it seems even Sally Struthers efforts could not have saved the hapless dollar as it rapidly diminished in value and withered away.

Farewell Zimbabwean dollar. You will be missed.

Zimbabwean dollar (1980 – 2009)

Source: http://www.upi.com/Business_News/2009/03/20/Zimbabwean-dollar-pronounced-dead/UPI-64171237570510/

Premature Incineration

There is just something special about a suicide bomber. I don't mean special in the "how precious, let's all hug you" sort of way. I mean special "drooling all over yourself on the shortest short bus, while doing whatever some dumbass tells you to do" kind of special. We don't get to deal with that kind of shit every day, and boy, are we glad about that.

So, usually when dealing with a suicide bomber, stupidity, fanaticism, and a lack of logic are all a given. However, when you self-detonate before you are supposed to, taking out six of your partners in crime at the same time, you're not just an idiot... you're a hero!

Rarely can we call terrorists of any sort a hero, but thankfully you've done such a BANG up job that we can thank you for it. Unfortunately, you left us without telling us who you were, but you'll always have a special place in our hearts... a place that is singed and littered with charred body parts.

Unknown (? - 2009)

Source: http://story.argentinastar.com/index.php/ct/9/cid/e974f944f2e7496e/id/482512/cs/1/

Shop Till You Drop!

No matter what you are going through in life, suicide is clearly not the answer. Already a selfish act, it is even more boneheaded and idiotic to do it in a public place and in a way that might hurt other people. Oh, sure, you're already hurting your family, friends, or anyone else that gives a shit about you to begin with, but when you jump off an upper level at the mall you should at least yell out "Look out below!" to warn unsuspecting innocent bystanders!

Furthermore, landing on someone who is sitting in a massage chair is just messed up. There someone is, just trying to relax and be free of stress and you have to go and land on them. Thankfully the kid wasn't killed, but he'll be mentally and physically scarred for life. Seriously, the phrase "look before you leap" exists for a reason! It would be pretty hard to miss seeing this kid if you just looked!

You know, how about everyone else that also had to witness this shit? Children are going to need therapy and someone had to clean that mess up. What a selfish cunt. Suicide is wrong, but if you must do it, do it in private and leave a damn note that keeps the ambiguity out of it.

Mary Lovelace (1954 - 2009)

Source: http://cityroom.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/04/08/suicide-at-queens-mall-stirs-alarm/

Here, There Be Effin' Dragons!

Would you believe me if I told you that walking the face of the Earth at this very moment are 9-foot-long dragons, with razor sharp teeth, and deadly, poisonous bites?

Well, if you don’t believe me, it doesn’t matter, because you’re an idiot. They are called Komodo Dragons, stupid, and they inhabit various islands around Indonesia. Some other fun facts about Komodo Dragons: they are cannibalistic; also, female dragons have been known to lay eggs and produce viable offspring even when no male is present (freaky!).

Despite the incontrovertible evidence of their existence, my mind refuses to acknowledge that there are dragons among us. That’s why I have to laugh at the fate of an Indonesia fisherman named Muhamad Anwa who, in 2009, had an unfortunate run-in with two Komodo Dragons as he attempted to procure some fruit from a sugar-apple tree on the remote island of Komodo. Note to self: stay far away from the remote island of Komodo.

Anyhoo, as Anwa was climbing the tree, he apparently fell and was attacked by the Komodos. His mangled body was recovered by other fisherman who rushed him to a nearby hospital, but he would be pronounced DOA. Too bad for Anwa.

I have to ask: isn’t getting killed by a dragon a bit like getting killed by a unicorn? I mean, dude, you got killed by made-up animal. Or...maybe it's like getting killed by a Narwhale. Nobody actually believes those exist.

Note to self: research any and all Narwhale related deaths.

Muhamad Anwa (1978 – 2009)

Source: http://www.cnn.com/2009/WORLD/asiapcf/03/24/komodo.dragon/index.html

Master-Baiter

California native Jeff Twaddle, 54 -- Can I pause for a moment to point out what an awesome last name that is? Urban Dictionary offers the following definition:

1. To waddle due to an object inserted in one's bearded taco.

But I digress. Twaddle was a crew member on board a boat chartered to take some elementary school students from L.A. on a fishing trip. I imagine he was probably a fun guy to hang with. As evidence of this, he attempted to amuse the students by baiting a fish and sticking it in his mouth.

Things became unfunny very quickly, however, when he began choking on the fish. Crew members tried valiantly to save him, but were unsuccessful in their efforts. He would eventually become unconscious, go into full cardiac arrest, and later be pronounced dead at the hospital.

The autopsy would list the cause of death as "aspiration of fish", thus clearing up any uncertainty about the circumstances surrounding Twaddle's fishy death, and also ensuring that he would forever be remembered as the guy who choked to death on a fish, but not the guy with the last name that also means "To diddle one's twat."

Now, that's the real tragedy in my opinion.

Jeff Twaddle (1955 - 2009)

Source: http://www.latimes.com/news/la-me-choked-on-fish2-2009apr02,0,5570516.story