Snuggles: 1, Patrick Von Allmen: 0

Welcome to our continuing series on animal related deaths. Today's item concerns one Patrick Von Allmen, from Southern Indiana, 23-years-old, and the late owner of a 14-foot python that I'm going to call "Snuggles".

Snuggles, like most members of the Pythonidae family, had a real fondness for squeezing, or constricting things that it loved so very much, such as rodents, cats, neighborhood dogs, and one Patrick Von Allmen.

Sadly for Von Allmen, Snuggles squeezed a little too hard one fateful day when, according to family members, the young man informed them he was going to the shed to "treat the snake for a medical condition." How anyone can tell a snake is sick, I've no clue.

I'm going to assume the conversation went something like this:

Patrick Von Allmen (imagine Cletus the Slack-Jawed Yokel from The Simpsons): Hey mom, pa, sis, my darlin' wife (also directed at his sister), I'm goin' to the shed over yonder to fix up Snuggles somethin' good, 'cause he been sick as a dog lately.

Nevertheless, poor Von Allmen was found a few hours later, dead as a doornail, with the most deadly necktie imaginable coiled around his willowy neck. Poor, stupid Patrick Von Allmen. Done in by your own pet.

In the words of Nelson Muntz: Hah-Ha!

Patrick Von Allmen (1983 - 2006)

Source: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/14683082/

Last's Last Trip

It really is sad what some women will do for a man... or money. Take poor ol' Nicola Last, who was somehow convinced by her travel mates (one of whom she may or may not have been romantically involved with) to ingest 34 bags of cocaine while vacationing in Trinidad. The ultimate goal being to smuggle them back into the UK.

Customs officials had been alerted to the fact that something was fishy, but fortunately, or unfortunately for Ms. Last, they failed to find the ingested drug pouches; they were apparently dumbshits who couldn't operate the body scanner and x-ray equipment properly. Way to go guys!

So Ms. Last, who resembled a human piñata at this point, traveled home where some of the packages would later burst. The resulting level of cocaine in her bloodstream, which was "one of the highest levels ever recorded" according to officials, would ultimately kill her.

I'd like to feel sorry for Ms. Last, but when you do something this stupid, you really do get what you deserve.

Nicola Last (1966 - 2006)

Source: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/wales/south_east/7093294.stm

Off The Wagon And On To The Rails

I hate getting on public transportation. I have to do it every goddamn day, and most people are annoying enough, without being drunk. I also hate going to concerts, only to be surrounded by inebreiated, shirtless morons or women that are trying hard not to throw up. You know what sounds even worse than this? A combo of the two.

Natalie Smead, 18, was on her way to a concert, with a bunch of friends and family, and decided to do some underage drinking for the ride. Why not, right? It's not like its illegal or anything. Now, had I been on this train, surrounded by a bunch of drunk concert goers, I'd probably start pushing people off of it at the next stop. That's just how I roll.

At some point at the station she fell off of the locomotive and into the gap between the train and the platform. Officials told her not to move and instead she found her way on to some tracks and got hit by a different train. Sure sounds like a bad day of drinking to me. It serves as a lesson to rest of us. Don't get drunk in public! Also, for fuck's sake, can we stop it with the teen drinking? Teenagers are dumb enough on their own, the last thing they need is alcohol to help them along towards G. W. Bush levels of stupid. Don't do drugs, stop drinking before your time, and stay in school. You damn kids, with your sex and your Twisted Sister!

Natalie Smead (1988 - 2006)

Source: http://gothamist.com/2006/08/07/fall_off_lirr_p.php

Deerly Departed...

Generally, if you go out hunting for a certain kind of animal, you don't usually keep some in captivity. I don't think any bear hunters have pet bears, and I'm sure lion hunters, the big dumb assholes that they were, didn't have lion pets. So... why in the hell did Ronald Donah, a seasoned hunter, keep about a half dozen deer on his property? Hell, even the people who gave him the license to do so couldn't even figure it out!

Well, I know why... because he was fucking stupid! When you keep deer in captivity, especially bucks, they become very territorial, especially when they are in "rut" (aka HORNY... yes I mean that in both possible ways). Since the buck probably thought that Ronald was interfering with his courting of a doe, he decided he had enough and gored the idiot to death. Imagine, a man who had been a hunter for so long getting killed by the very thing he hunted... and it wasn't a predator.

Doe! I mean... Doh!

Ronald Donah (1963 - 2006)

What A Clown

What's funnier than a clown? Why, a dead clown, of course!

Now, how about if the clown is hanging from a cage attached to the underside of a hot-air balloon, that suddenly catches fire, causing the cage to fall and crush said clown to death, while a bunch of doe-eyed children look on?

That's exactly what happened to a 26-year-old clown from Belarus, who was performing at a circus in Ireland. According to a witness, "We were all sitting down and they were doing their act. They were up fairly high, but they were doing fine. Next thing, he was down on the ground." Well, yeah, that's what happens when you fall. Seriously though, what's this guy going to do for an encore?

The sight of a clown has always made me a little depressed, but witnessing this jackass might have actually lightened my mood a little due to the shear idiocy of witnessing someone DRESSED AS A CLOWN HANGING FROM A CAGE ATTACHED TO THE UNDERSIDE OF A FLAMING HOT-AIR BALLOON!

Unnamed Belarusian Clown (1980 - 2006)

Source: http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,210940,00.html

Apparently, God Didn't Love You.

Always go with your gut instincts, don't second guess yourself, and stand true to your intentions. That being said, don't be a fucking idiot. Bungie jumping, sky diving, and car racing are all fun risk-taking exercises of excitement. Religion and faith, however, are not usually mentioned with them, and for good reason.

Ohtaj Humbat ohli Makhmudov decided to prove to the world that his love of God would protect him. Surely, when he jumped into a pen of lions at the Kyiv Zoo, he'd be just fine! "Because God loves me, the lions will not harm me!" Those are what we call famous last words. Waving his arms to get the lions' attention, any god he might have believed in either thought he was an asshole or just wasn't there. He got tackled by a lioness who went straight for his jugular.

The good news is that the lions didn't go hungry that day. The bad news? Shit, there was no bad news!

Ohtaj Humbat ohli Makhmudov (1961 - 2006)