Here, There Be Effin' Dragons!

Would you believe me if I told you that walking the face of the Earth at this very moment are 9-foot-long dragons, with razor sharp teeth, and deadly, poisonous bites?

Well, if you don’t believe me, it doesn’t matter, because you’re an idiot. They are called Komodo Dragons, stupid, and they inhabit various islands around Indonesia. Some other fun facts about Komodo Dragons: they are cannibalistic; also, female dragons have been known to lay eggs and produce viable offspring even when no male is present (freaky!).

Despite the incontrovertible evidence of their existence, my mind refuses to acknowledge that there are dragons among us. That’s why I have to laugh at the fate of an Indonesia fisherman named Muhamad Anwa who, in 2009, had an unfortunate run-in with two Komodo Dragons as he attempted to procure some fruit from a sugar-apple tree on the remote island of Komodo. Note to self: stay far away from the remote island of Komodo.

Anyhoo, as Anwa was climbing the tree, he apparently fell and was attacked by the Komodos. His mangled body was recovered by other fisherman who rushed him to a nearby hospital, but he would be pronounced DOA. Too bad for Anwa.

I have to ask: isn’t getting killed by a dragon a bit like getting killed by a unicorn? I mean, dude, you got killed by made-up animal. Or...maybe it's like getting killed by a Narwhale. Nobody actually believes those exist.

Note to self: research any and all Narwhale related deaths.

Muhamad Anwa (1978 – 2009)

Source: http://www.cnn.com/2009/WORLD/asiapcf/03/24/komodo.dragon/index.html

Snuggles: 1, Patrick Von Allmen: 0

Welcome to our continuing series on animal related deaths. Today's item concerns one Patrick Von Allmen, from Southern Indiana, 23-years-old, and the late owner of a 14-foot python that I'm going to call "Snuggles".

Snuggles, like most members of the Pythonidae family, had a real fondness for squeezing, or constricting things that it loved so very much, such as rodents, cats, neighborhood dogs, and one Patrick Von Allmen.

Sadly for Von Allmen, Snuggles squeezed a little too hard one fateful day when, according to family members, the young man informed them he was going to the shed to "treat the snake for a medical condition." How anyone can tell a snake is sick, I've no clue.

I'm going to assume the conversation went something like this:

Patrick Von Allmen (imagine Cletus the Slack-Jawed Yokel from The Simpsons): Hey mom, pa, sis, my darlin' wife (also directed at his sister), I'm goin' to the shed over yonder to fix up Snuggles somethin' good, 'cause he been sick as a dog lately.

Nevertheless, poor Von Allmen was found a few hours later, dead as a doornail, with the most deadly necktie imaginable coiled around his willowy neck. Poor, stupid Patrick Von Allmen. Done in by your own pet.

In the words of Nelson Muntz: Hah-Ha!

Patrick Von Allmen (1983 - 2006)

Source: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/14683082/

Deerly Departed...

Generally, if you go out hunting for a certain kind of animal, you don't usually keep some in captivity. I don't think any bear hunters have pet bears, and I'm sure lion hunters, the big dumb assholes that they were, didn't have lion pets. So... why in the hell did Ronald Donah, a seasoned hunter, keep about a half dozen deer on his property? Hell, even the people who gave him the license to do so couldn't even figure it out!

Well, I know why... because he was fucking stupid! When you keep deer in captivity, especially bucks, they become very territorial, especially when they are in "rut" (aka HORNY... yes I mean that in both possible ways). Since the buck probably thought that Ronald was interfering with his courting of a doe, he decided he had enough and gored the idiot to death. Imagine, a man who had been a hunter for so long getting killed by the very thing he hunted... and it wasn't a predator.

Doe! I mean... Doh!

Ronald Donah (1963 - 2006)

Smokey The Bear Wants To Eat You!

Timothy Treadwell, an eccentric (which is really just a polite way of saying bug nuts) amateur naturalist, who lived with Grizzlies for a bunch of years in Alaska, was killed and eaten by one of his Grizzly friends while he slept in a tent with girlfriend Amie Huguenard, who was also killed in the attack.

If you've seen the Herzog documentary Grizzly Man, then you're already familiar with the batshit insane Treadwell, who considered himself the Grizzlies' caretaker, while the bears were probably wondering why they were being stalked by a crazy, yellow-haired, effeminate freak.

The lesson to be learned here is that bears do not want to be your friend, despite some rare exceptions like Smokey the Bear, Winnie the Pooh, or William "The Refrigerator" Perry.

Oh, and for some more of Treadwell's antics, here he is repeatedly kissing a seal, which I can only assume also wanted to kill and eat him:


Timothy Treadwell (1957 - 2003)

Apparently, God Didn't Love You.

Always go with your gut instincts, don't second guess yourself, and stand true to your intentions. That being said, don't be a fucking idiot. Bungie jumping, sky diving, and car racing are all fun risk-taking exercises of excitement. Religion and faith, however, are not usually mentioned with them, and for good reason.

Ohtaj Humbat ohli Makhmudov decided to prove to the world that his love of God would protect him. Surely, when he jumped into a pen of lions at the Kyiv Zoo, he'd be just fine! "Because God loves me, the lions will not harm me!" Those are what we call famous last words. Waving his arms to get the lions' attention, any god he might have believed in either thought he was an asshole or just wasn't there. He got tackled by a lioness who went straight for his jugular.

The good news is that the lions didn't go hungry that day. The bad news? Shit, there was no bad news!

Ohtaj Humbat ohli Makhmudov (1961 - 2006)