Hangkok In Bangkok

"Natural causes" my ass. Actually, I guess any time you die because you can't breathe, or your heart stops, it could be considered natural. If you kept living, that would be some unnatural, demonic, android shit. Unfortunately for David Carradine, when you have a public image, what you do with your privates, in private, will eventually become public. That is even more true if it winds up killing you.

Apparently, Carradine was found in a closet, with a rope around his neck and his genitals. Now, auto-erotic asphyxiation has killed people before, including some famous ones, but none of them were naked inside of a closet at a hotel. There is also a report that his hands were tied behind his back. Does this mean that someone else was in there with him? If so, didn't they realize that a safe word is pointless when you're choking and can't talk?

Either way, unless he was murdered, which I doubt, this is one hell of a stupid way for a healthy 72-year-old to leave this world. Whether Bill killed Bill, or it was some hooker turning some Beatrix on his Kiddo, with a rope tied around his Hanzo and his sword, it just ain't right.

David Carradine (1936 - 2009)

Source: http://www.nationmultimedia.com/2009/06/04/headlines/headlines_30104421.php

Premature Incineration

There is just something special about a suicide bomber. I don't mean special in the "how precious, let's all hug you" sort of way. I mean special "drooling all over yourself on the shortest short bus, while doing whatever some dumbass tells you to do" kind of special. We don't get to deal with that kind of shit every day, and boy, are we glad about that.

So, usually when dealing with a suicide bomber, stupidity, fanaticism, and a lack of logic are all a given. However, when you self-detonate before you are supposed to, taking out six of your partners in crime at the same time, you're not just an idiot... you're a hero!

Rarely can we call terrorists of any sort a hero, but thankfully you've done such a BANG up job that we can thank you for it. Unfortunately, you left us without telling us who you were, but you'll always have a special place in our hearts... a place that is singed and littered with charred body parts.

Unknown (? - 2009)

Source: http://story.argentinastar.com/index.php/ct/9/cid/e974f944f2e7496e/id/482512/cs/1/

Shop Till You Drop!

No matter what you are going through in life, suicide is clearly not the answer. Already a selfish act, it is even more boneheaded and idiotic to do it in a public place and in a way that might hurt other people. Oh, sure, you're already hurting your family, friends, or anyone else that gives a shit about you to begin with, but when you jump off an upper level at the mall you should at least yell out "Look out below!" to warn unsuspecting innocent bystanders!

Furthermore, landing on someone who is sitting in a massage chair is just messed up. There someone is, just trying to relax and be free of stress and you have to go and land on them. Thankfully the kid wasn't killed, but he'll be mentally and physically scarred for life. Seriously, the phrase "look before you leap" exists for a reason! It would be pretty hard to miss seeing this kid if you just looked!

You know, how about everyone else that also had to witness this shit? Children are going to need therapy and someone had to clean that mess up. What a selfish cunt. Suicide is wrong, but if you must do it, do it in private and leave a damn note that keeps the ambiguity out of it.

Mary Lovelace (1954 - 2009)

Source: http://cityroom.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/04/08/suicide-at-queens-mall-stirs-alarm/

I'm Sure He SAW It Coming

There are millions of different ways to commit suicide. There are also a handful of justifiable reasons to do it. If given the choice between being raped by a bunch of silverback apes with razorblades tied to their dicks while I'm face down in 3 feet of shit, or death, I'm sure I'd choose death.

On the other hand, if my landlord sold the house I live in and offered me a different place to stay, I'd be ok with that, or at least ok with it enough to not want to die. David Phyall, 50, did not share a similar view. He was "irrationally opposed to moving" and decided he'd rather devise a way to cut his own head off with a chainsaw than have to pack all that damn silverware and those dusty old books into boxes. I guess I could kind of see his point. I mean, moving is really annoying, but still... it isn't anything to lose your head over.

The one thing I can say in this guy's favor is that he had goals and conviction and stood by his ideals. It didn't really do anything positive for him in the long run, but hey, at least he wasn't a quitter.

David Phyall (1958 - 2008)

Source: http://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/home-news/chainsaw-death-was-carefully-thought-through-suicide-1025503.html