Pole Shock

Why did the Polish guy piss on the electrified rail?

Are you waiting for the punchline? Well, it isn’t coming, because some moron actually did this, and now he’s dead. If you’re thinking: “Well, he’s Polish, so that makes sense”, then you definitely need culture sensitivity training. Stupidity crosses all ethnic lines, and no group has a monopoly on doing dumb shit, not even Polish people.

According to reports, the 41-year-old Polish man was visiting London to improve his English. While at Vauxhall station in south London, he was observed on closed-circuit TV cameras walking into a recessed area, from which he failed to reappear.

It is there that officials believe our luckless Pole answered the call of nature, urinating on a live rail surging with 750-volts. You already know how this story ends.

According to an unnamed source, “Perhaps because he was from Poland he had no idea the rail was electrified.” Really? Do you seriously think they don't know about electrified rails in Poland? You have to admire the unapologetic bigotry exhibited by this unnamed source. C'mon people, can't we move beyond these hurtful stereotypes already?

By the way, for any Polish readers still with us, the title of this post works on two levels. Yep. Think about it. I'll give you a minute.

Unnamed Polack (1967 - 2008)

Source: http://www.thisislondon.co.uk/standard/article-23518902-details/Urinating+man+electrocuted/article.do

Hold The Pickles

I have the utmost respect for individuals who are supremely competent at their jobs -- whether they are a firefighter, garbage man, school teacher, or jizz mopper in a peep-show booth. It doesn't matter. The point is, competence is not an easy thing to come by these days.

That said, even competent people make mistakes every now and then, but the severity of the consequences of those mistakes varies greatly depending on one's line of work. Let me give you an example:

If I go into McDonalds and ask for a hamburger without pickles, and I'm served a hamburger with pickles, nobody dies. If, however, I'm having a heart attack, and when the paramedics arrive, the best they can do is offer me a hamburger with pickles, the consequences might be very different. That's not quite what happened in this case, but it’s close enough.

A 39-year-old gentleman, from lovely Washington, “still not a state” D.C., called 911 to complain of chest pain and trouble breathing. Paramedics were dispatched, and when they arrived at the complainant’s house, ran some tests on him, and asked what he had had for dinner -- a burger, coincidentally. Since the tests results came back normal, they told the man he was probably just experiencing heart-burn and suggested he take some Tums. Whoops.

Six hour later, the man was found lying on the floor, dead of a massive heart attack. Uh-oh. Now, I’m not saying that the paramedics were incompetent, but damn if they didn’t serve this dude some sour pickles when he clearly didn't want any.

Edward Givens (1969 - 2008)

Source: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2008/12/03/AR2008120303696.html

You're Not The Only Person With A Gun

Even the dumbest people can come off as innocent victims, but that is an impossibility when you're wearing a mask and holding a gun. Christopher Barreto lead a life a crime, starting his dumb-assery when he was only 14 years old. I don't know what his home environment was, but I'm sure he got hit by chancletas and belts a lot, and may even have been made to kneel in rice. Still that doesn't excuse him for his future life of crime.

One night, Chris decided it would be a good idea to visit the "El Michoacano Supermarket" and hold them up at gun point. I don't know about you, but I'd be afraid to try anything on people who work at a place named "El Michoacano", simply because I'm sure they sell machetes there. Anyhow, I'm not too far off point, because when one of the employees hit a silent alarm, one in the back came around the store with a gun just in time to see Christopher pointing a gun at a woman and child.

Needless to say, it all ended with a BANG. See, if you're going to run around with a mask on, you better be either a superhero or a criminal with a bullet proof vest. Beyond that, do some goddamn research! Case the joint before you try to live up to thieving Hispanic stereotypes. Sure, one stereotype is bad enough, but you made us look stupid too!

Christopher Barreto (1985 - 2008)

Source: http://www.wthr.com/global/story.asp?s=9563031

I'm Sure He SAW It Coming

There are millions of different ways to commit suicide. There are also a handful of justifiable reasons to do it. If given the choice between being raped by a bunch of silverback apes with razorblades tied to their dicks while I'm face down in 3 feet of shit, or death, I'm sure I'd choose death.

On the other hand, if my landlord sold the house I live in and offered me a different place to stay, I'd be ok with that, or at least ok with it enough to not want to die. David Phyall, 50, did not share a similar view. He was "irrationally opposed to moving" and decided he'd rather devise a way to cut his own head off with a chainsaw than have to pack all that damn silverware and those dusty old books into boxes. I guess I could kind of see his point. I mean, moving is really annoying, but still... it isn't anything to lose your head over.

The one thing I can say in this guy's favor is that he had goals and conviction and stood by his ideals. It didn't really do anything positive for him in the long run, but hey, at least he wasn't a quitter.

David Phyall (1958 - 2008)

Source: http://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/home-news/chainsaw-death-was-carefully-thought-through-suicide-1025503.html

Fatal Positive And Negative Attraction

I guess for some people they need to add a certain spark back into their relationship and the only way they can do that is to amp up the electricity between them and their loved one. The simple addition of some lingerie didn't do it for Toby and Kirsten Taylor. They needed to turn things up to eleven and involve some nipple clamp electrodes! Shocking? Of course it is!

What isn't shocking is that something this fucking stupid could so obviously go wrong. Dumber than that is the fact that after falling on her face, which was covered with electrical tape, the husband thought she was playing around. What does that sound like to me? He probably kept juicing her and didn't stop until it was too late. Oh well, you wanted her to be hot and wired? You got it! Still, the failed cover up, telling the police that she was shocked by a hair dryer is what makes it even funnier.

If your sexual escapades are fucking kinky, then fess up to it! Don't be embarrassed, this shit resulted in a death, moron. The upside to this? They didn't get to the in and out portion yet, limiting their chances on having kids. One more strain of stupid genes not passed on to another generation.

Kirsten Taylor (1979 - 2008)

Source: http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/years/2008/0125081dryer1.html