Hold The Pickles

I have the utmost respect for individuals who are supremely competent at their jobs -- whether they are a firefighter, garbage man, school teacher, or jizz mopper in a peep-show booth. It doesn't matter. The point is, competence is not an easy thing to come by these days.

That said, even competent people make mistakes every now and then, but the severity of the consequences of those mistakes varies greatly depending on one's line of work. Let me give you an example:

If I go into McDonalds and ask for a hamburger without pickles, and I'm served a hamburger with pickles, nobody dies. If, however, I'm having a heart attack, and when the paramedics arrive, the best they can do is offer me a hamburger with pickles, the consequences might be very different. That's not quite what happened in this case, but it’s close enough.

A 39-year-old gentleman, from lovely Washington, “still not a state” D.C., called 911 to complain of chest pain and trouble breathing. Paramedics were dispatched, and when they arrived at the complainant’s house, ran some tests on him, and asked what he had had for dinner -- a burger, coincidentally. Since the tests results came back normal, they told the man he was probably just experiencing heart-burn and suggested he take some Tums. Whoops.

Six hour later, the man was found lying on the floor, dead of a massive heart attack. Uh-oh. Now, I’m not saying that the paramedics were incompetent, but damn if they didn’t serve this dude some sour pickles when he clearly didn't want any.

Edward Givens (1969 - 2008)

Source: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2008/12/03/AR2008120303696.html

Isn't It Ironic, Don't You Think?

"It's like raaaiiin on your wedding day. It's a free...". Wait a minute. How is rain on your wedding day ironic? Moving on...

George Eisenhart Jr., 41 years young, was the president of a company that promoted monster truck shows. Tragically, at one of these shows, a 6-year-old boy was struck and killed by debris flung off a truck as it was doing donuts.

In an effort to do some damage control, George later told a local news outlet:

"This is our 16th year, and I wish I had a big piece of wood to knock on right now, but we have not had an incident besides a gal slipping in the aisle at another location...We think our venue is very safe and all the shows we do are very safe."

At another show, only days after the incident, George became the unwitting player in our tale of irony when he was run down and killed by a monster truck while walking through a restricted area.

I bet George wishes he had had that big piece of wood handy. Nevertheless, I have a hunch he would mostly likely chuckle at the delicious irony inherent in this story. Then again, I suppose it's difficult to appreciate anything delicious, much less irony, when you're dead.

George Eisenhart Jr. (1968 - 2009)

Source: http://abcnews.go.com/US/story?id=6727878&page=1

Death: Now Delievered In 30 Minutes Or Less!

Brian Douglas Wells was something of an underachiever. After dropping out of high school in 1973, he managed to stick with his dead end pizza delivery job for almost 30 years. His last pizza delivery would definitely be the most memorable.

Being a stickler for customer satisfaction, when Marjorie Diehl-Armstrong and Kenneth Barnes told him that the time-bomb they had tied around his neck was fake, he believed them. They had planned a bank heist together with him before this date, and a very important part of stealing money, is making sure that you get away from it alive.

He was going to tell the cops that he was a hostage and that men planted the bomb on him so that they could get their demands met. Unfortunately, before he left the guys, they let him know that the bomb was actually real. Talk about a mind blowing reveal!

Anyhow, they gave him a nifty shotgun that looked like a cane and told him to go steal $250,000 from the bank and tell the police the original story. He did and the cops called in the bomb squad. Unfortunately for him, it was in fact a real time bomb after all. Three minutes, yes, just three minutes before the bomb squad showed up, Brian was given the gift of a fist-sized hole in his chest.

Kids, please, finish high school, and if you're so inclined have some post-secondary schooling or training... you don't want to wind up like this gullible imbecile, do you?

Brian Douglas Wells (1956 - 2003)

Source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brian_Douglas_Wells

Sometimes Rubbers Don't Just Kill Sperm

There are a lot of sick, kid touching clergy on this planet. So much so that it shocks me when I find a man of the cloth into something other than little boys. Reverend Gary Aldridge, 41, may have tended his flock at the Thorington Road Baptist Church for 15 years, but that doesn't mean he didn't get his sick willy nilly's off now and again. Instead of feasting on the tiny pee-pees of Montgomery Alabama's youth, he had his eyes set on things of a latex nature.

Though his blind followers may not allow themselves to believe that their religious leader loved to swing from straps, while being covered from head to toe in rubber wet suits, with a condom covered dildo in his ass... that is exactly how the cops found him. Well, he gets a little bit of respect for not hurting anyone but himself with this, but come on man! Where the fuck was that dildo that you needed to put a condom on it? Do I want to know? Still, he did something wrong according to his beliefs and paid the ultimate price for it: an embarassing death, complete with anal masturbation. I'm sure his family was super happy with what happened.

Gary Aldridge (1960 - 2007)

Source: http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/years/2007/1008072scuba1.html

Snuggles: 1, Patrick Von Allmen: 0

Welcome to our continuing series on animal related deaths. Today's item concerns one Patrick Von Allmen, from Southern Indiana, 23-years-old, and the late owner of a 14-foot python that I'm going to call "Snuggles".

Snuggles, like most members of the Pythonidae family, had a real fondness for squeezing, or constricting things that it loved so very much, such as rodents, cats, neighborhood dogs, and one Patrick Von Allmen.

Sadly for Von Allmen, Snuggles squeezed a little too hard one fateful day when, according to family members, the young man informed them he was going to the shed to "treat the snake for a medical condition." How anyone can tell a snake is sick, I've no clue.

I'm going to assume the conversation went something like this:

Patrick Von Allmen (imagine Cletus the Slack-Jawed Yokel from The Simpsons): Hey mom, pa, sis, my darlin' wife (also directed at his sister), I'm goin' to the shed over yonder to fix up Snuggles somethin' good, 'cause he been sick as a dog lately.

Nevertheless, poor Von Allmen was found a few hours later, dead as a doornail, with the most deadly necktie imaginable coiled around his willowy neck. Poor, stupid Patrick Von Allmen. Done in by your own pet.

In the words of Nelson Muntz: Hah-Ha!

Patrick Von Allmen (1983 - 2006)

Source: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/14683082/

You're Not The Only Person With A Gun

Even the dumbest people can come off as innocent victims, but that is an impossibility when you're wearing a mask and holding a gun. Christopher Barreto lead a life a crime, starting his dumb-assery when he was only 14 years old. I don't know what his home environment was, but I'm sure he got hit by chancletas and belts a lot, and may even have been made to kneel in rice. Still that doesn't excuse him for his future life of crime.

One night, Chris decided it would be a good idea to visit the "El Michoacano Supermarket" and hold them up at gun point. I don't know about you, but I'd be afraid to try anything on people who work at a place named "El Michoacano", simply because I'm sure they sell machetes there. Anyhow, I'm not too far off point, because when one of the employees hit a silent alarm, one in the back came around the store with a gun just in time to see Christopher pointing a gun at a woman and child.

Needless to say, it all ended with a BANG. See, if you're going to run around with a mask on, you better be either a superhero or a criminal with a bullet proof vest. Beyond that, do some goddamn research! Case the joint before you try to live up to thieving Hispanic stereotypes. Sure, one stereotype is bad enough, but you made us look stupid too!

Christopher Barreto (1985 - 2008)

Source: http://www.wthr.com/global/story.asp?s=9563031

Last's Last Trip

It really is sad what some women will do for a man... or money. Take poor ol' Nicola Last, who was somehow convinced by her travel mates (one of whom she may or may not have been romantically involved with) to ingest 34 bags of cocaine while vacationing in Trinidad. The ultimate goal being to smuggle them back into the UK.

Customs officials had been alerted to the fact that something was fishy, but fortunately, or unfortunately for Ms. Last, they failed to find the ingested drug pouches; they were apparently dumbshits who couldn't operate the body scanner and x-ray equipment properly. Way to go guys!

So Ms. Last, who resembled a human piñata at this point, traveled home where some of the packages would later burst. The resulting level of cocaine in her bloodstream, which was "one of the highest levels ever recorded" according to officials, would ultimately kill her.

I'd like to feel sorry for Ms. Last, but when you do something this stupid, you really do get what you deserve.

Nicola Last (1966 - 2006)

Source: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/wales/south_east/7093294.stm